It’s 4 am. I should be sound asleep, preparing myself for my 8am class and a busy Monday. Instead, I am lying in a tepid bath with my trusty cat companion perched on the side of the tub. I’m supposed to be in court Tuesday morning, and I’m stressed. This was supposed to be simple. My ex-husband gave up his custody and the child support is supposed to be adjusted accordingly. It’s a simple matter….except that my ex-husband can never leave it at that. He’s claiming that he has some medical condition requiring $900 of therapy a month, and that it may become permanent. He’s claiming that he fully supports our 20 year old son (who is in a non-profit vocational program and lives in the dorms and receives a living stipend). He’s claiming that I owe him half the cost of medical co-pays for our daughter which were paid from his medical account with his permission before our divorce. He’s claiming that I haven’t made a “good faith effort” to become self sufficient….because despite being a stay home parent for 20 years, 3 years should be plenty of time for me to get an education and make the same amount that he does with his BS and 10 +years of experience.
The difference in child support, as I calculate it- if the court doesn’t agree with adjusting his expenses, is $200 more a month. It’s not a huge amount, but it would allow me to be home more. Despite the breathing room it would give me, I’m not sure if I’m up to going to court over it. I’m so tired of the bullshit, the penny pinching and fighting….I wish he acted like a rational person and we could have a normal conversation. I don’t know if this fight is worth it right now.
Last night, The Musician had a gig with a band at a local bar. I went down to watch him play. I had decided to wear high heels- a rare occurrence for me. On one of the band’s breaks, The Musician and I were sitting and talking. I was sitting on a barstool with the heels of my shoes hooked onto the bottom rung on the barstool. The Musician decided that he wanted to dance and attempted to pull me onto the dance floor. His tug started my barstool toppling, but I couldn’t get my heels unhooked from the barstool rung to break my fall. It happened in slow motion for me, and I went down…barstool and all. It was such a strange series of events that led me to being on the barroom floor, that I was laughing too hard to get myself up very quickly. My knee is pretty bruised up, but The Musician felt worse about it than I did. Now I have a funny story about how he knocked me down…
Last night, The Musician showed up with a little succulent for me in his hand. It was such a sweet gesture, and I really appreciate it. On our very first date (really, just a “meet”) he gave me a single red rose (which I have kept and dried). At a later point in time, he mentioned wanting to get me more roses. That shows his wildly romantic side, and I love and appreciate that. I sent him a little email saying that while I love and appreciate cut flowers, that I am trying to propagate my patio with succulents and those would be something that would have a much longer life and serve as a daily reminder of his sweet gift. This was the reason behind the little succulent he got me. I think he found it in the flower section of the grocery store, and it is an indoor variety…but still appreciated. It actually has several runners together in this little pot, and I could separate them out and fill several more pots from it…I love that!
Yesterday, I invited The Musician over for lunch. We had talked about watching Lost, so I que’d that up on Netflix and cooked us a delicious lunch (to prove my cooking skills). Things with him are going swimmingly. He’s kind, considerate, caring, affectionate, sweet, smart, and interesting. He’s also totally Ga-Ga over me….which I find adorable.
I had been trying to take things slow on the physical side. We hadn’t even kissed. I know myself. I am a very sexual person, and physical intimacy tends to snowball for me because of it. I wanted to save that until we were ready…epic fail on that front. Things were going great, just some light snuggling on the couch as we watched TV, and then I got up for some reason and he pulled me back onto his lap with my back against him. He started running his hands along my body (very gently, and careful not to touch the private bits) and give out soft little moans of desire…
Oh my gawd! It was just too much for me. I got intensely turned on and ended up straddling him and making out. He’s a good kisser, and my desire rose. Finally, I said I thought we should go to the bedroom. He was surprised but happy. Unfortunately, I took him too much by surprise. He was too nervous…I was too intense. This is not the first time this has happened to me. O scare men. I surprise them. They don’t expect a nice girl like me to be a Tasmanian Devil in the bedroom. It’s too much, I overwhelm them.
I felt bad, he felt bad, and later that night we had our first “fight”….which is actually a good sign. Being able to resolve an issue is a good skill and we are both the better for understanding the others perspective. We had lunch and spent some time shopping yesterday. We’re looking forward to trying again next week, and I may be able to see his band play this weekend.
Conversation with the musician that I met for coffee yesterday has been ongoing. We even had a phone call this evening. We made plans for dinner next week. I haven’t enjoyed the company of anyone this much in quite a while, and it’s a nice change. He sent me a text that said “Thinking about you”, which is just about the sweetest thing ever…especially since I know he was busy getting ready to play a gig. The thing is, I’ve been thinking about him, too. I texted my best friend and told her that he had met me with a rose and kissed me goodbye on the cheek. Her response? ” and between times you didn’t hate him?” I asked if she was surprised, and she said yes. She says I’m too picky. I would love to hear what she thinks of him….
I couldn’t remember how tall he was, so I went and looked up his profile on the dating site (5’11”). He has put an ‘update’ on his profile that says something about recently meeting an attractive girl, and not wanting to start anything new while he is dating her, since he’s a one woman man. Again, very sweet and totally unexpected…. not that I am answering any incoming messages right now either. It’s funny, I keep wondering- why this guy? What does he have that makes me want to open my heart to him when I haven’t to anyone else for a while? I think the answer is that he is a good, kind, considerate, caring person…and that’s a good thing!
Today I had a coffee date. I wasn’t very excited about it, but I am trying to keep a more open mind about people so I went anyway. I even took the time to curl my hair.
He was inside the shop, but watching for me. He met me at the door, pulled out my chair, and presented me with a single red rose. He bought me a beverage, and we talked. Conversation flowed pretty well after the initial awkwardness, and he seemed really sweet. I had to pick my Kiddo up from school, so we were on a time limit. I think that’s actually a good thing for a first meeting. When I left, he said he wanted to see me again, and gave me a kiss on the cheek as we hugged.
I’ve been texting him all afternoon, so we’ll see how it goes…
Last night, I went to Karaoke with friends. This used to be a very regular occurrence, but we haven’t done it in months. It was nice to get out, and even nicer to see my friends. As much as I did enjoy it, I ended the evening feeling very much alone. I was stuck between two couples; a been together forever and still so much in love couple, and a we’re so new we’re not quite sure yet but we definitely have goo-goo eyes couple. I’m happy for them….all of them….and I’m still sad for me. I miss having someone that actually gives a fuck how I am. I think money stress, the stress of starting a new semester, hormones, and legal issues are all coloring my world right now….I just want to wake up with a solid pair of arms wrapped around me.