The Feels…

When Mr. Four-Hour-Lunch circled back, I got a little caught up in imagining our happy future life together. It was a good distraction from the reality of what was going on (which was miserable). I think things are bound to end this time much as they ended last time…I’m too intense for him, he doesn’t communicate or need as much time together as I do. I’m already feeling frustrated, ignored, and unheard. I fucking hate not being answered!
I also hate that every time I go through one of these things, I miss my ex-boyfriend. I hate that I’m still looking for the feeling that he gave me…that his sweatshirt is the most comfortable thing I own…that he feels like he’s the only one in the world who really understands me….that when I have a rough day, he’s who I want to tell.
I’m embarrassed by how much it bothers me that Kiddo will not be spending weekends at their dad’s anymore….how upset I am about how it will change my life. It feels selfish to even consider that it will affect my love life, when they are losing so much more. It feels greedy to wonder how much my grocery bills will go up having to feed them every day. The stress of having to find a new job, on top of still being gone to work on weekends, and school and home life feels unbearable…and I know that he would understand that in a way that nobody else could.

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One thought on “The Feels…

  1. Here’s another way to look at it: While all the flakes and shady characters come and go, you can count on Kiddo(s) to be the constant in your life. That’s where you can stay grounded. Everyone else can get in where they fit in. My kids are grown and I still feel that way. I can relate to being seemingly ignored by someone with a different “attachment style” and missing an ex because of it. That distant person may have had some childhood trauma.

    Liked by 1 person

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