Questions

The whole long weekend, I didn’t hear from India. On in hand, it was sort of nice because his daily phone calls take a lot of effort to deal with. He almost always calls me from the car, when he’s away from home. I understand why, but the fact that he couldn’t take a few minutes to call me over a four day weekend really solidified in my mind what I am to him. He can say that he loves me and we are friends for life, but the reality is that I am a convenience. When it isn’t convenient, I don’t figure into his story. That’s OK for him, but I don’t think it’s enough for me. Not when he is so inconvenient for me. He didn’t call again this morning, which means he will probably call on his way home from work tonight. I’m not sure if I will accept the call…

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Deck the Halls

Instead of Black Friday (and beyond) shopping, I’ve spent the long weekend decorating for Christmas. Last year, we were living with my best friend and her girls and had a kitten. They put up a tree and a few other things, but I didn’t decorate. The year before that we weren’t sure if we were going to have to move and the kids would be with their dad for Christmas so I didn’t decorate.

To be honest, I haven’t felt like decorating for years. Even at the end of my marriage it was something that felt like a chore instead of something that brought joy. This year, I didn’t even question it….Thanksgiving weekend is traditionally when I decorate, and I couldn’t wait to pull the decorations out and put them up. I had decorated for fall, so switching things out felt right. I don’t go crazy (partly because the one and a half year old cat is still very much a playful kitten), but I have a bookcase that I like to use to display seasonal decor, and a couple items that get hung. I even picked up a couple new pieces, and I have a mental list for After Christmas Sales.

I bought some new ornaments after Christmas last year, and it was nice to see the tree decked out in them. Christmas decorating is not really a big deal, but the fact that I want to do it is. I am feeling very comfortable in my space, for the first time in a long time, and I feel in control. Decorating brings me joy again, like it has in the past. It feels good to be in a good place.

Black Friday

Here in the States, the day after Thanksgiving is known as Black Friday, and it’s a crazy day for shopping deals. Many stores now open Thursday night for their Black Friday sales, and online discounts go on all week.

I have never been one to do the Black Friday shopping. I enjoy shopping in general, but we don’t go crazy for Christmas and I don’t like crowds or waiting in long lines.  My Black Friday tradition has been to have a lazy day indoors filled with leftovers and Christmas decorations. If we get really adventurous, we may go see a movie.

Decorating in a new place, there are some things that I need/want to finish my decorating. I’m not about to go brave the crowds this morning, but may check it out later this afternoon. I just need a few odds and ends….it’s not worth being trampled to get them.

Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving in America. A day we stuff ourselves to the gills with delicious food and try to concentrate on how much better our lives are than they could be.
This year, I am thankful for:
Blankets without smallpox
Purry kitties
900 square feet of peace
Ingenuity
Houseplants
My car
The big things…health, family, etc….those are things I’m thankful for every year. This year, I am thankful for small things. Sometimes in a great big world, you have to focus down on a little thing to see the big picture.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Planning for the Future

Today, I saw a guidance counselor at school. I left his office feeling very depressed indeed. The school that I was planning on transferring to requires several additional math/science classes (not my faves) for my major because their program is research based. I’m not planning on going into research, and don’t really think that adding an extra year to my timeline will do me any good. Honest to god, the thought of extra math classes made me tear up.

So, what now? There are plenty of other schools around, and I really wasn’t set on that one. Actually, I’m not really set on that major, either. I’m not convinced that going into a Masters program at my age is a good idea at all. Half of me thinks that it is entirely pointless. I’m going to start a career in my 50’s?

But if not, what then? I wish that I could say I’d meet a nice man, settle down and go back to being a housewife, but I really don’t see that as an option. I hardly think that I’m picky, considering the men I’ve dated, but I can’t seem to meet anyone who really interests me. Maybe I’m not really interested in a relationship right now. Hell, I’m not all that interested in life right now….

Vulnerable

This morning, I submitted an application for a job at the library. This is the first job application that I have filled out for some time, and it makes me feel very vulnerable. I want this job so badly that I can taste it.

I am in the odd position of having had some experience in retail/customer service and lower management, but so long ago that it doesn’t feel like it counts. I’ve started and ran two cottage businesses from home. I have four years of junior college classwork and no certificates or degree. I’m working now, but you can’t verify that and I don’t know what my last boss would say about me since she hasn’t offered me a job in months.

I desperately want this job. It’s perfect for me. I feel like I can’t go back to a crappy retail/customer service job that I hate. But books….the library! I love books and am an avid reader. I am familiar with the library set up and systems. I could be happy working there- especially the branch that is five minutes away from me.

I would love to come home after a day of work, and not be in my parents guest room. Yes, I might miss being in ‘civilisation’ but it would make my life so much more stable and less crazy. If I had a regular job close to home, I might even think about a relationship again.

Silence

It wasn’t until the teams flew to India midway through my episode of Amazing Race tonight that I realized….I haven’t heard from India in two days. A day here or there is not a big deal, but he always calls me either morning or evening on weekdays. I checked What’s App, and he hasn’t checked in there since afternoon. It seems odd, and even though I didn’t miss him I am curious.