Maybe…

   When my friends ask me how I am, and I say…I am fine, I am good….for the most part, it’s true. I am busy, my Kiddo is busy. I have responsibilities and obligations that keep me too busy to think about much else. I have a warm, fuzzy body that purrs next to me at night. I have affordable housing, hot and cold running water, and a reliable vehicle. I am thankful…grateful…my problems are first world problems, and I know it.
   Every once in a while, it hits me though…the wave of depression and desperation so deep and all consuming that I can’t see a way through it. I know that it will end. I know that eventually I will surface and breathe. I know that I will come out the other side of this intact, that I am not alone, and there is help. The thing is, at that point it doesn’t even matter. Nobody else can feel your loneliness for you. No one can pull you from the dark recesses of your mind. Having a friend who sees your struggle and can do nothing doesn’t help, and so I turn inward. And because I am single (and yes, lonely), this is always the focus from the outside world. “Oh, if only we could find her a nice man…”  Or it’s my lack of faith, my economic standing, where I live…..
It has to be a solvable problem, because that’s what the world would like. Hell, that’s what I would like. It would make things so much easier. We want our sticky messes wrapped up with a happy ending in two hours, thank you very much.
   But maybe I just need to feel the depth of my feelings sometimes…to know that they are there, and they are a part of me, and that they don’t have to consume me all the time but I do need to stay in touch with them.
Maybe….
  

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