Communication Breakdown…or Break Through?

   Because I can’t leave well enough alone, I had to text my ex-boyfriend last night. We had talked a little more throughout the day before, after he had texted me in the morning. Things were going well and I always have to push it.
   Fairly early into our relationship, he said that he wanted to eventually be my husband. That’s some pretty serious shit, and I really didn’t know how to take it. The weird thing was that he wouldn’t talk more about it, so me being me….I started over-thinking it. After some thought, and with no more input from him….I decided that I wasn’t sold on the idea of a second marriage. I was married for 20 years. I was a stay home mom. I get allimony, and I probably always will….unless I get remarried. I was married for 20 years, and I thought that I knew my ex-husband. I realize now that you never really know how people will change. The thought of giving up my financial freedom and relying on someone else again is terrifying. That’s why I’m back in college, and at some point I may not even need that money.
   I finally did tell my ex-boyfriend that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get married again. He asked no questions, we had no more conversations about it, he just accepted it and moved on. It left me feeling deflated. Like the conversation was only half over. When I texted him last night, I told him that when I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be married again, it was only the legal and financial aspect. I do want to spend the rest of my life with one person. I just felt the need to clarify.
   It was good, it opened up some more conversation. He asked me how it had lasted so long with my ex-husband, when he had been cut so quickly. It was the first time he has said anything that really showed his pain…but it’s something he needs to learn to do. I don’t know if my answers helped him understand at all, but I hope so. We had an exchange that did really help me understand some things. I told him that he had confused me, and for the first time since we met he gave me a simple, honest, definitive and straight forward answer. It was really a huge breakthrough, for both of us.
   Whether or not we ever end up back together, I hope that we can continue these conversations. We’re learning to communicate, and we will both need that in the future. Of course, he went silent after a while, but I was actually very proud of the progress that we made. Baby steps!

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