The Weight of it All…

   I am not one of those lucky, naturally thin women. It made growing up near the beach very difficult. My schools were peppered with long blonde tresses and bikini bodies, whereas my own body had not been bikini ready since I was six, and my hair was decidedly short and dark.
   At some point, I decided in my mind that I was simply a different species. The junior sized clothing was so far from fitting my frame, and the advice given in teen mags was so far removed from my experiences, and I looked so different from everyone else that I saw, I thought that surely this must be the case. It is only now, in my forties, that I have come to the realization that I am a real human woman. My size and shape, although not necessarily the ones usually seen in the media…are very common, and quite normal for my age group. I have also discovered that my body is also quite attractive to the opposite sex. This was quite a surprise to me, I’m rather sad to say.
   I have gained and lost quite a lot of weight over the years (including a 2 1/2 year stint where I lost 70 pounds, and came to the realization that my body image issues had nothing to do with my actual body). Recently, because of health issues I have changed my diet. A not unwelcome by-product of those dietary changes has been weight loss.
   Believe it or not, I am usually the last person to realize that I am losing weight. I should be familiar enough with this process to understand it, but I don’t. The first sign of weight loss for me is usually needing new bras. Not in the way that you are thinking, though. I usually loose weight from my ribcage first, so that I need a smaller band size, but a bigger cup size because the girls have not yet followed suit.
   Recently, this phenomenon occurred, followed by the bagging out of jeans, and tops becoming drapier. On a recent work trip, I had to purchase new jeans because mine were stained, and I went down a size. It really wasn’t until that point that I noticed how much weight I’d lost.
   Contrary to what you would think, weight loss makes me more uncomfortable with my body. My skin begins to get really loose, people who know me are looking at my body judging it, and I get more attention from men. It’s a serious struggle for me, and can wreak havoc on my psyche.
   Because I am losing weight as a side effect of dealing with health issues, it’s just something that I will have to learn to embrace. It’s funny that I probably had my worst body image at my lowest weight. It to was at that time that I realized that my body was truly different that someone who is naturally thin. I am muscular, I have larger bones. I have a soft shape. I will never been a size 4, or flat chested. I have come a long way in embracing my body and loving myself, but body changes always sort of drag up the past.
   I am proud of myself for maintaining a healthier diet, for taking my health into my own hands, and dealing with things my own way. I am happy to be losing weight- not just for my health, but my vanity. At my natural size, it is more difficult to find clothing that fits and flatters. Even at one pant size down, a whole new world of clothing options has opened to me. Shopping has become much more fun, and I have been enjoying the fact that I need smaller clothes.


3 thoughts on “The Weight of it All…

  1. Congratulations on not putting your self worth on the size of your waist! When we place our value on our size or what we own or how big our bank accounts are, we really lose sight of what is really important. It sounds like you’re headed in the right direction! Keep up the good work. I know it took me well beyond 40 to figure that one out! �on😄😄😄😄 😃 😄

    Liked by 1 person

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