Loving is not Liking

   I love my son, but I don’t like him very much. That’s a hard thing to admit. He’s not a bad kid….a felon, an addict, or abusive….not to anyone else, anyway. The separation was hard on him. It came as a shock to him, unlike his sister- who had felt the strain in our relationship. It should have been handled differently… his dad should have taken more time with him at first….it would have been better. But what’s done is done. He acted out….decided that he had been lied to, that we no linger had a family, and that he didn’t need to do anything for anyone but himself. 
   I tried….tried talking to him to help explain things, tried letting him do his own thing- staying up all night, taking a semester off school, spending all day gaming. I tried to convince him to act like a member of the family, and a occupant of the house. I threatened him that he would not be able to continue living there if his attitude didn’t change.
   Nothing worked, nothing helped, nothing changed. He became more and more angry with me…blaming me for everything. I had failed to educate him, ruined his life, and failed him in every way. His father, on the other hand, had done all the things that I hadn’t. His new girlfriend treated him like an adult….unlike me.
   When things finally came to a head, I did not handle it well. I had his father come and get him while I was not there. It didn’t happen the way that it should have, if it had to happen. For that, I have regret. But I don’t regret having him live with his father. He was verbally abusive to me, and created stress in the house that nobody should have to live with- especially not my daughter.
   I still have hope…. hope that one day he will grow up a bit, take responsibility for himself, and see that every story has two sides. I hope that one day he will seek me out, not only with forgiveness for me, but the ability to ask it for himself. I have hope that one day we will have a relationship, but for now- I am contented to know that he has adults in his life who are looking out for him, because I can’t do it. I can’t put myself into that situation again. I wished him a happy birthday yesterday, and he said screw you. I’m ok with not having contact with him, if that’s the kind of contact we will have. I love my son, but I don’t like him.

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4 thoughts on “Loving is not Liking

  1. Right now I”m sure your ex is feeling like he has “won” a contest but I don’t doubt it will get old having a 19 year old living with you if that’s the kind of attitude he has and not to mention how gf might get tired of it eventually (unless they are engaged in a little bit of hankypanky themselves – I know watch too many lifetime tv movies lol) so don’t be surprised when it eventually blows up and super dad ‘s true colors reveal themselves to oldest

    Liked by 1 person

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